Annoyances

After spending the weekend with my girlfriend I feel the need to compile a list of things that aggravate me. This isn’t directed at my girlfriend, she is wonderful, but a list of realizations I’ve come to over the past couple of days. I've decided to open the list to include things outside of the military.

Dude Bras

People who think Natural Light is a good beer.

Homosexual couples that complain about not being able procreate.

In order for me to take a day off I have to fill out three separate forms.

My brother forgetting my birthday

Salespeople that won’t leave me alone even after I told them I’m just looking.

I hate receiving a lecture on safety every week. The military has spent over $100,000.00 on my education. Do I really need to be lectured on the dangers of wildlife every other week?

The fact that my boss hasn’t done his job in over a year.

Sundays

Sundays in the Military are days for cleaning gear and preparing for the upcoming week. As I do that, I want to hear your views on unions. Should we have them, are they useless, etc.? Post your comments on what you think!

Long Night

So on most Fridays, we have to stay at work super late for inconceivable reasons. Basically, we are all waiting other platoons to report that their 100% on their sensitive items which has absolutely nothing to do with us. Really the only thing it does is hamper our morale and getting drunk that night that much better. This brings me to an interesting topic. Unions. Now, we don't have unions in the military because we are serving our country. Because we don't have unions, we can get screwed over as much as our supervisors want because, in the military, if someone outranks you, they are automatically smarter, faster, and better at critical thinking. Which is all totally bullshit but hey, I guess its the price you pay to serve your country.

Kitties

So, today is my birthday, and all I really want is a kitty. I'm not crazy or anything, I just think cats are funny. I don't there is anything wrong with a grown man having a pet that makes him laugh. Lord knows that I could use it with the stress from my job. The sad fact is that I will never have a cat in my current military situation. I think this is fucked because some prisoners are able to have cats to make them less violent, but why give one to the guy serving his country? Here are some videos I though were funny, enjoy. The last video isn't of a cat. I just though it was funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J---aiyznGQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7qFZBJN838&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS9RENQKOc8

200 Followers!

I would like to send a shoutout to all of my 200 followers! Love you guys. I definately have no plans of slowing down the postings. Seems like during every moment in the military, someone needs to be there to write down what's being said/what's happening. I guess that's why I'm here.

Thanks again!

My brother

I was inspired by my brother to dedicate today’s post to him. Here are some of the funny things my brother has said over the years.

Me: “Did you just fart?”

My brother: “Dude, why are you freaking out about it? A fart is nature’s candy. It’s like an invisible raisin.”

My brother has said while talking to a stoner during a game of cornhole.

My brother: “Hey, you going pick up the sack?”

(The stoner just looks down at the ground)

My brother: “No, not your nut sack, the sack on the ground by your feet.”


My brother: “If anyone every hurts Jamie I’m going to get a pair of plyers, a box of matches and a candle.”

Me: “What are you going to do with that?”

My brother: “I don’t know but it sounds gruesome.”


My brother: “So, I had sex with an Eskimo last night.”

Me: “Really?”

My brother: “Yeah, she lives in my building and is on some exchange program down here.”


My brother: “I got an HJ from this Chinese girl in my program last night.”

Me: “Well, that’s good.”

My brother: “Yeah, she asked me why Americans had such big penises and then said that compared to one she saw in a dirty movie it was just ‘so so.’”

Canadian Army

For the past couple of weeks I have been working with the Canadian Army covering their joint training with the US Army. It has been a great experience and I have nothing but good things to say about their army, but I couldn’t help but laugh at their accents and some of their colloquial sayings. I’m sure they find the American accent just as funny but they way they said some things had me in stitches. Here are my notes.

Me: “So, what’s your email address?”
Candadian Soldier: “It’s choc, as in chocolate, salty balls at blank (I’m omitting the provider to protect his identity) dot com.

Canadian Soldier: “If anyone wants to sit in the chair now they can. I dried it off with my ass.”

Canadian Soldier: “It’s just sexier here.”

Canadian Soldier: “So, where do you guys like to go oot around here?”

Jumping off an aircraft carrier

So, my compulsive liar platoon sergeant once said that he had jumped off of an aircraft carrier. Let's break that down.

A. On today's supercarriers, the flight deck is roughly 60 feet from the surface of the water. You would need a near perfect dive or toothpick for your leap to not be fatal.

B. The U.S. Army is the ground force of the U.S. Military. There is absolutely no reason for a soldier to be on an aircraft carrier. Most of the security is done by the Marines.

C. Even in the most unlikely of circumstances that a soldier is on an aircraft carrier, why in the land of the free, home of the brave would he have to bail on his sailor brothers and take to the seas?

Comment on why you think this alledgedly happened, because I'm lost in the sauce.

Just like everyone else.

For some reason civilians get the impression, mainly from media, that servicemembers are superhuman. This is not even close to being true. I was recently reminded of this by a guy that I want to basic with. I'm a journalist, so I'm not really what you would call a highly motivated killer, but I can still kick some ass if need be. Anyway, I was talking to my friend who just got into Special Forces, and I couldn't help but remember he has to piss every 30 minutes, is terrified of heights and wears glasses as thick as a phonebook. I don't know how he got in, but he did. So, I guess the point my whole diatribe is that don't ever think you aren't good enough for military service. Because somewhere out there someone is waiting to turn you into a death machine.

Sometimes, you just have to poop.

I was talking with one of the guys I work with yesterday and we got on the subject of having to shit at inopportune times. I don’t know why, but this seems to be a recurring conversation in my life. Anyway, he started telling me about the shits people would take while out on patrol in Iraq.

As it turns out one of his buddies shit himself while out on patrol. He couldn’t make it to the side of a house in time and just shit himself. Keep in mind they were on patrol in Iraq back in 2007 this dude just stripped down in the middle of the street and wiped himself off. It was unfortunate for everyone in his Humvee because he was the gunner. So, this guy had to sit in the gunners chair, naked from the waist down, until they could get back to base.

This story really hit home this morning while I was on a five mile run. I had to deviate the course and run into a portable toilet on a construction site. I got inside the thing and there was blue stuff everywhere, it looked like someone had killed a smurf inside the damn thing. The toilet paper was covered with the stuff too so I couldn’t wipe thoroughly. On the run back, the chaffing was out of control.

Movies

For those of you who don’t know, women can be very neurotic. I’ve found that it is never a good idea to watch of movie with my girlfriend that involves war or the military in any manner. Here is a list of movies that you should never let your girlfriend watch if you are in the military.

The Edge of Love

Apocalypse Now

Full Metal Jacket

Saving Private Ryan

Flags of Our Fathers

Platoon

Jarhead

Tiger Land

Independence Day

Red Dawn

The Fast and the Furious (I just added this movie because it is shit.)

28 Weeks Later

Universal Soldier

Stripes

Forest Gump

Broken Arrow

Rambo

Commando

The Notebook

Predator

The Hole

So, I was reminded yesterday of a story my friend once told me about him and his wife.

The story came from when we were talking about a mutual friend that was having an affair with a female soldier. As we were talking and discussing our disgust for out then friend, he starts to tell me about how his wife would never cheat on him. So, I indulged him and asked him why he was so sure that she would never cheat on him. He then told about what he did before his last deployment. Apparently, he dug a hole in the woods behind his house and then took his wife on a walk to see the hole. Once they were both standing over the hole, he pointed to it and said "never cheat on me," and walked off.

Military Phrase: Stand Fast

Definitions of the two words (From dictionary.com):
Stand - to stop or remain motionless or steady on the feet
Fast - moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; quick; swift; rapid

Now the logical portion. How in the flying f*ck is a soldier supposed to rapidly and swiftly remain motionless. That is all.

BCT

No matter what branch a servicemember is in they have to go through basic combat training. It is a terrible fact of life that has inspired many famous books and movies.  Here are some lines that I remember from my time at basic, enjoy.

“So, no shit there I was balls deep in some guys ass.”

“Oh no! Oh hell no!”

“How the hell do you know when I’m coming? Do you have someone out here flipping pigeons?”

Soldier:                       “Drill Sergeant, your fly is open.”

Drill Sergeant:            “What!? Thank you soldier, but why the hell are you looking?”

“I want it to be so quiet in here that I could hear a rat piss on cotton.”

Drill Sergeant:            “Private, in what manner will you engage the enemy?”

Private:                       “I will eat an al-Qaeda fetus in front of my enemies and watch them cry.”

Soldier:                       “Oh, what a beautiful sunset.”

Drill Sergeant:            “Shut the hell up.”

The Bathroom

So, the room that I live in requires me to share a bathroom with another guy. The bathroom is located between both of our rooms, with a door on each side. The guy that I share it with has never once cleaned the damn thing. My anger over the matter has grown over the past couple of months and I've decided to take action.

It is an unspoken code that if the light and fan are on in the bathroom, it is occupied. This prevents us from barging in on the other while in the middle of our business. I've noticed of the past couple of weeks that he may have irritable bowel syndrome or something equally wrong with his colon. So, in order to enact my revenge I have decided to keep the light and fan on at all times while I'm home. This way he will always think I'm in there and never get the sweet release from his IBS. All he had to do was clean the toilet and we would have been cool, but not now.

A Soldier's Perspective on Mars

Soldier 1: "Didn't we send people to Mars?"
Soldier 2: "Naw man, but we gots like 2 probes up there."
Soldier 3: "Yeah dawg, 1 probe be roaming like crazy, the other one got stuck up in some mud."

Awkward Moments

Fort today’s entry I thought I would compile a list of the most awkward conversations I’ve personally walked in on or heard from friends, enjoy.

“So, I just saw this thumb laying there and I picked it up and threw it at the guy in front of me.”

This next one is from when I was at DINFOS. I was getting ready to hop into one of the open shower stalls while someone was getting out of their stall. Keep in mind that it was only the two of us in the bathroom.

Person 1:         “I don’t think there is going to be enough room in here for the both of us.”

Me:                  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Person 1:         “Uhhhhh….” (The guy then went back into his shower stall and turned back on the water and closed the curtain. It was one of the weirdest things that have ever happened to me.)

This one is from my friend’s trip to a soccer tournament back in high school. He spent the night at a motel with his parents and this is what he heard.

Mom:   “That’s it, that’s it!”

Dad:    “Ugh!!!”

Mom:   “Be quiet, you are going to wake him up.”

Dad:    “OK, I’ll get a towel and clean up.”

“So, this is the chick that me and my friend double teamed back in Korea.”

Person 1: “What happened?”

Person 2: “Some motherfucker tried to take out my eyeball last night.”

Person 1: “Why?”

Person 2: “I punched him in the face.”

Person 1: “Why?”

Person 2: “Son of a bitch said my mother don’t love me. Nobody says that my momma don’t love me.”

CSM

Afternoon everyone, this post will be about things I’ve discussed with my coworkers in regards to our Command Sergeant Major. Over the past few months we have been able to fabricate a number of stories and scenarios that he has been involved in. I am hoping his legend will continue on from these stories.

He gained in Command Sergeant Major powers from being struck by lightning. (On a side note, he was actually hit by lighting in the line of duty, hence the joke.)

He has a moon base.

He can tie a triple noose knot.

He once killed a soldier for wearing their patrol cap around post.

He is preparing for the zombie apocalypse.

The off colored wall in our office is from the last time him came in through the wall.

He ruck marches to work.

He pushes a boulder to work.

He is the only man gym who runs on the treadmill with a bayonet in his teeth.

He makes his hot sauce from the ears of the men he has killed.  

Nicknames

I know it’s been a while since I’ve update my blog properly. My apologies, I’ve had a nasty sinus infection and just got back in the fight. Anyways, moving forward from that horrid business, I’ve decided to dedicate this entry to some of the funny nicknames I’ve heard for people over the years, enjoy. Also, please feel free to post your own funny nicknames.

Turkey Sub

Round Head

Faggles

Bitchcannon

Robo-Soldier

Hilljack

The Angry Inch

Number 8 (He was missing his number eight tooth.)

The Gooch

Steve

Frank Tolbert "The Enforcer"

Bitch-Tits

Spike Jones

Sgt. Blood Diamond

100 Followers!

Hit 100 followers yesterday!! Thanks for all the support, I couldn't have done it without you guys. I've been pretty far under the weather the past few days but once I return to my normal self, you guys will see some posts about some seriously funny shit. Again, thanks for the support!

More Videos

Here are some more videos that I've found, enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS-FoXbjVI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylsz9_Pwkww

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKL8w-_zC_s

Training Meeting

I recently attended a training meeting for driver safety. The following is a list of notes I took from that training meeting. Most of the meeting was spent with people just bullshiting, so I was able to gather quite a bit of fuel for my blog, enjoy.

“My phone ain’t rang in a minute because my bitches don’t love me no more. But I still love all my bitches.”

Person 1: “How many kids you got?”

Person 2: “Two and a possible.”

“I need to go on eBay and find myself some new friends.”

“I won’t hit a female but I will beat a bitch.”

Person 1: “Do the math and add it up.”

Person 2: “I failed Algebra. So, what up now?”

The Air Force

Here are some sayings that I’ve heard from my friend in the Air Force.

This saying is in regards my friend attempting to calm down another crewmember as the engines on their C-130 began to fail.

“Listen man, there isn’t anything that is going to happen to you that isn’t going to happen to the rest of us.”

This saying is in regards to my friend explaining why he didn’t inform his supervisor that a female airman was having sex with multiple partners at his party.

“Listen Steve, you know I’m not one to break up a good party.”

Following that conversation my friend gave the female airman the nickname of “lefty loosey.” Please keep in mind that they were mechanics, so it was a pretty good play on words.

Military Humor

I thought you guys might like see some videos that have been floating around the military. It will give you some insight into some of the things that we find funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZhJnc4trK4&feature=related

AIT

I attended AIT at the Defense Information School at Fort Meade, Md. For those of you that don't know, the DOD standardizes  training for all military journalists at DINFOS. Here are some of funny things I can recall hearing while at DINFOS from the various services.

"So, you're just gonna come in here and gaff me off?"

"If I'm talking over here you are shut up over there."


Person 1: "So, what's it like being in the Coast Guard Reserve?"

Person 2: "Well, someone has to sit in the basement."


Person 1: "What's wrong with your head?"

Person 2: "I have alopecia."

Person 1: "Oh... I just thought you lost a bet."